The Speaker-Listener Technique
Why use the Speaker-Listener technique?
Learning how to handle conflict well is critical to the success of your marriage. Communicating
well is the best way to handle most conflicts. The Speaker-Listener technique is one of the most
effective ways of communicating during conflict.
What are the advantages of the Speaker-Listener technique?
This technique helps you talk in a way that is both clear (so you truly understand what your
partner is saying) and safe (no one fears the argument will get out of hand). Talking in this positive way
helps prevent destructive ways of communicating: negative escalation of the argument, invalidating your
partner, one person forcing the conversation while the other backs off, and negative interpretations of
what your partner is thinking.
When should we use the Speaker-Listener technique?
This technique can be used whenever the conversation becomes too heated or the subject is very
sensitive. Either partner can ask to use the Speaker-Listener technique at any time. Remember: it makes
conversations clear and safe.
How do we use the Speaker-Listener technique?
Each person takes turns speaking while his or her partner listens and paraphrases what the
speaker said. The following rules will make things clearer:
General Rules:
1. The speaker has the floor. If you're the listener, follow the rules below for the listener and wait
for your turn to be the speaker. Use an object, such as a pen, to show who the speaker is.
2. Share the floor. Take turns letting each person be the speaker.
3. Don't problem-solve. Focus on having a good discussion, not finding a solution.
Rules for the Speaker:
1. Speak for yourself. Don't read your partner's mind. Express your feelings and thoughts, using "I"
statements to express your point of view.
2. Be brief. Don't go on and on each time. You will have plenty of time to talk about everything
that is on your mind as you both take turns.
3. Stop and let the listener paraphrase. After you've spoken for a short while, let your partner
paraphrase what you just said. Help him or her understand your point of view. If the paraphrase is not
quite accurate, politely restate what your meant.
Rules for the Listener:
1. Paraphrase what you heard. Repeat back what you heard in your own words to let your partner
know you understand what they are saying. Wait till your turn as speaker to ask more questions.
2. Focus on the speaker's message. Don't rebut. Remember: your job is to listen and understand
what your partner is saying. Wait till you are speaker to offer your own opinion.