Managing Your Own Anger - A Guide for Parents

CRISIS PREVENTION

INSTITUTE

Managing Your

Own Anger

A Guide for Parents

PARENT

SERIES

For 40 years, the Crisis Prevention Institute has helped millions of

individuals begin a journey of positive, supportive, and empathetic

caring for people of all ages. With a focus on healthcare, education,

human services, and dementia care, CPI sets the standard for best

practices in evidence-based workplace violence prevention. Our

training is designed to support the safety and well-being of both staff

and those in their care. We teach the skills that help professionals de-

escalate verbal and physical crises in the workplace, with an array of

solutions that address the full spectrum of risk levels.

A Guide for Parents

Countless educators and human service

professionals have beneﬁted from CPI’s

highly effective approach to limit setting. This

guide explains how parents can use these same

skills and techniques when dealing

with their own children.

CRISIS PREVENTION

INSTITUTE

10850 W. Park Place, Suite 250

Milwaukee, WI 53224

crisisprevention.com

877.877.5390

Managing Your Own Anger - A Guide for Parents

You will learn:

How dealing with your anger affects the way your

children deal with their own anger.

Healthy ways to manage your anger.

How the body responds to anger—psychologically

and physically.

Four steps to express anger in positive and

productive ways . . . and much more!

Managing Your Own Anger - A Guide for Parents

The Emotion of Anger

One of the challenges of parenthood is dealing with the inevitable

angry feelings that we sometimes have when our children misbehave.

Anger is a normal human emotion. How you deal with your anger is the

more important concern.

Most of us connect the emotion of anger with behavior that we don’t

like—even though we may be guilty of it ourselves. Some of the ways

that people deal with their anger include:

• They pretend that nothing is wrong.

• They lose their tempers and say (or do) things they

later regret.

• They withdraw and sulk.

• They express their anger indirectly by taunting others or

using sarcasm.

When we are angry with our children and do the things that are listed

above, we teach our children that this is the way to deal with angry

feelings. We shouldn’t be surprised when our children yell, hit, pout,

or ridicule if that is what we are doing ourselves.

Pretending that we’re not angry when we are is not the answer. This

seldom works anyway, and it does not solve the problem that led to our

anger in the ﬁrst place. Instead, it is important to separate the emotion

of anger from the behavior that is so often displayed by angry people.

Anger expressed in a healthy way can provide a positive example for

your children: that it is possible to be angry without being aggressive.

Managing Your Own Anger - A Guide for Parents

But how do you manage your

own anger?

Anger management is a skill, and like any skill, it requires practice. Here

are some guidelines for getting started:

1. Be aware of your body’s response to anger.

When you feel yourself getting angry, notice how your body

is responding physiologically. Anger isn’t just a psychological

response that exists only in your mind.

Anger has physical aspects, as well. You may notice that your heart

is beating faster, your breathing is shallow, and there may be a knot

in the pit of your stomach.

2. Breathe deeply.

Deep breaths will help to calm your body and increase the supply

of oxygen to your brain—oxygen that will help you to think clearly

and calmly. Don’t discount that old advice to take a deep breath

and count to ten. It really does have a purpose.

3. Ask yourself, “Why am I angry?”

Take a brief break to calm down and ask yourself these questions.

Why am I allowing my children to trigger my anger? Have they hit

a sore spot? Made me feel insecure or inadequate in some way?

Could I be overreacting because of other stresses in my life—trouble

at work or ﬁnancial concerns?

4. Decide if you want to speak up.

Do you want your child to know that you are angry? At times, it may

be an opportunity to teach your child that it is possible to express

anger without yelling, hitting, or other undesirable behavior. At

other times, you might decide not to discuss your anger with your

child but simply carry on in a calm, patient manner.

Managing Your Own Anger - A Guide for Parents

Expressing Your Anger

If you do want to express your anger to your child, here are some

steps to follow:

1. Be direct, speciﬁc, and brief.

Stick to one issue at a time, and don’t bring up the past. If you’re

talking to your teenager about their messy room, don’t bring up the

fact that they missed their curfew last Saturday night.

It is difﬁcult enough to resolve one problem at a time; don’t get out

your laundry list. Bringing up past issues is likely to cause confusion

and resentment.

2. Focus on feelings, not blame.

At some point you have probably told your children not to blame

others for their actions or feelings. In the same way, don’t blame

your child for yours. (“You made me so mad that I couldn’t help

losing my temper with you!”)

Try to avoid using phrases such as “you always” or “you never.”

Words like this will only put your child on the defensive.

3. Listen to your child’s response.

We owe it to our children to hear their side of the story. Try to put

yourself in your child’s position and listen for their real message.

What are they trying to tell you?

4. Be realistic about your expectations.

Parents often think they can force their children to think or behave

in a certain way. This is seldom true, and even if it were, it is contrary

to one of the goals of parenthood—to help our children become

independent adults who can think for themselves and make their

own decisions.

Anger is a difﬁcult emotion for many of us to deal with, and it is

one that can easily be triggered by the challenging moments of

parenthood. What better incentive to improve the way we deal

with this emotion than to think about the positive legacy we can

leave our children if we teach them that anger can be expressed

in positive, productive ways.

CPI

and Nonviolent Crisis Intervention

are registered trademarks of CPI.

BROC0004 20-CPI-PAM-0327

CRISIS PREVENTION

INSTITUTE

Whatever steps you’ve decided to take, remember that it

takes time and effort to change old behavior patterns.

Try to be patient with yourself—and your children.

Thank you for reading! We hope you found this resource helpful.

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