Anger Management – A Practical Guide

ANGER MANAGEMENT

A Practical Guide

ADRIAN FAUPEL

ELIZABETH HERRICK

and PETER SHARP

Adrian Faupel et al. (1998) Anger Management – A Practical Guide. London: David Fulton Publishers.

available from www.fultonbook.co.uk

Acknowledgements v

SECTION ONE: WHAT IS ANGER? 1

1 Introduction 2

2 Perspectives on anger 7

3 What does anger do to you? 15

4 What do we do with anger? 24

SECTION TWO: THE STORM 33

5 Planning to avoid a storm 34

6 Weathering the storm 41

7 After the storm 51

SECTION THREE: THE FIREWORKS 57

8 Working with angry children 58

9 Crisis management 72

10 Help for parents and carers 78

Adrian Faupel et al. (1998) Anger Management – A Practical Guide. London: David Fulton Publishers.

available from www.fultonbook.co.uk

Contents

APPENDICES 84

1 Observation checklists 84

(A) Primary (5–11) 84

(B) Secondary (11–16) 85

2 Anger log 86

3 Anger triggers 87

Worksheet 1 What makes me angry? 88

What do I think? 89

Worksheet 2 What do I think? 90

Keeping calm 91

Worksheet 3 How do I feel? 92

Worksheet 4 Keeping calm 93

4 Developing a solution 94

5 Effective anger: getting anger right 97

‘I messages’ 100

6 Behaviour Modification Chart 101

7 Tips for parents of toddlers 102

8 Tips for parents of primary age children 104

9 Tips for parents of teenagers 106

10 What children and teachers say about anger 108

References 115

Bibliography 117

Resources 119

Index 121

iv

Adrian Faupel et al. (1998) Anger Management – A Practical Guide. London: David Fulton Publishers.

available from www.fultonbook.co.uk

Appendix 1(A)

Observation checklist –

primary (5–11)

Name__________________ Date of birth ___________ School _________________

Please circle the number which your observations suggest is most appropriate and

add any comments that you think are important.

Always Usually Sometimes Never Comment

1. Comes to school/class happily 1234

2. Settles in class without fuss 1234

3. Settles in small groups easily 1234

4. Follows class routines 1 2 3 4

5. Accepts teacher’s directions 1234

6. Accepts other pupils taking the lead 1234

7. Appears popular with other children 1234

8. Has at least one good friend 1234

9. Plays appropriately with other children 1234

10. Copes well with disappointment 1234

11. Appears confident 1234

12. Feels good about themselves 1234

13. Concentrates well 1234

14. Controls anger when provoked 1234

15. Has insight into own behaviour 1234

16. Learns from mistakes 1234

17. Keeps hands, feet, objects to themselves 1234

18. Hurts self 4321

19. Distracts other children 4321

20. Hurts other children 4321

____ ____ ____ ____

Total ____ ____ ____ ____

Best score = 20 Worst score = 80

Completed by _______________________________ Date ________________

Adrian Faupel et al. (1998) Anger Management – A Practical Guide. London: David Fulton Publishers.

available from www.fultonbook.co.uk

Appendix 1(B)

Observation checklist –

secondary (11 –16)

Name__________________ Date of birth ___________ School ________________

Please circle the number which your observations suggest is most appropriate and

add any comments that you think are important.

Always Usually Sometimes Never Comment

1. Comes to school/class without difficulty 1234

2. Settles in class easily 1234

3. Settles in small groups easily 1234

4. Follows class routines 1 2 3 4

5. Accepts teacher’s directions 1234

6. Accepts other students taking the lead 1234

7. Appears popular with other students 1234

8. Has at least one good friend 1234

9. Relates well to other students 1234

10. Copes well with disappointment 1234

11. Appears confident 1234

12. Feels good about themselves 1234

13. Concentrates well 1234

14. Controls anger when provoked 1234

15. Has insight into own behaviour 1234

16. Learns from mistakes 1234

17. Keeps hands, feet, objects to themselves 1234

18. Hurts self 4321

19. Distracts other students 4321

20. Hurts other students 4321

____ ____ ____ ____

Total ____ ____ ____ ____

Best score = 20 Worst score = 80

Completed by _______________________________ Date ________________

Adrian Faupel et al. (1998) Anger Management – A Practical Guide. London: David Fulton Publishers.

available from www.fultonbook.co.uk

Appendix 2

Anger log

This may be completed by (a) child (b) teacher (c) parent/carer

Name _____________________________ School _____________________________

Circle the number that best describes

Anger Management

Anger at school Poor Good Excellent

Monday 1 2345

Tuesday 1 2345

Wednesday 1 2345

Thursday 1 2345

Friday 1 2345

Anger at home

Monday 1 2345

Tuesday 1 2345

Wednesday 1 2345

Thursday 1 2345

Friday 1 2345

Saturday 1 2345

Sunday 1 2345

Anger elsewhere (trips, etc)

Monday 1 2345

Tuesday 1 2345

Wednesday 1 2345

Thursday 1 2345

Friday 1 2345

Saturday 1 2345

Sunday 1 2345

Completed by: _________________________________ (Child/Teacher/Parent)

Adrian Faupel et al. (1998) Anger Management – A Practical Guide. London: David Fulton Publishers.

available from www.fultonbook.co.uk

Appendix 3

Anger triggers

When we were discussing the Firework Model, we likened the match to the trigger of

anger for an individual. The Assault Cycle also begins with the trigger stage. In order

to manage our anger better, we must first identify the triggers that spark us off into an

angry reaction. Triggers will be events that are perceived as threats to:

• person or property

• self-identity or self-esteem

• getting our perceived needs met

Once we have identified the triggers that make us angry, we have three possibilities:

• avoid the triggers

• change the way we think about the triggers

• reduce the level of arousal by using calming techniques

The following Worksheets provide ways of addressing these issues:

1. What makes me angry?

2. What do I think?

3. How do I feel?

4. Keeping calm.

The following Worksheets can be used with young people to help them identify their

own triggers, consider alternative ways of thinking about them and identify ways of

keeping themselves calm. These can be used in conjunction with the Anger

Thermometer (Chapter 8) and the Anger Log (Appendix 2) as appropriate.

Adrian Faupel et al. (1998) Anger Management – A Practical Guide. London: David Fulton Publishers.

available from www.fultonbook.co.uk

Worksheet 1

What makes me angry?

Stop the match being lit!

Here is a list of statements describing what makes some people angry. Tick the ones that

are true for you and add some of your own that have not been listed.

• When people talk about me behind my back ..........

• When I get my work wrong ..........

• When other people get hurt ..........

• When others won’t play with me ..........

• When I’m treated unfairly ..........

• When I’m shouted at ..........

• When people interfere with my games ..........

• When people stop me doing what I want to ..........

• When others get more attention than me ..........

• When people call me names ..........

• When I’m losing at football ..........

• When people are rude about my family ..........

• When people bully my friends ..........

• When someone calls me a liar ..........

• When someone pushes me ..........

• When I get told off and others don’t ..........

• When things get broken ..........

• When someone takes my things ..........

• When there is a lot of noise and I’m trying to concentrate. ..........

• When I have to do something I don’t want to do ..........

• When I’m told off in front of my friends .........

• When I get interrupted ..........

• When people don’t give me a chance ..........

• When other people are angry ..........

• When people don’t listen to me ..........

• When people don’t understand me ..........

Other things that make me angry are:

1. ....................................................................................................................................

2. ....................................................................................................................................

3. ....................................................................................................................................

4.....................................................................................................................................

Adrian Faupel et al. (1998) Anger Management – A Practical Guide. London: David Fulton Publishers.

available from www.fultonbook.co.uk

What do I think?

In order to manage our anger we may try to avoid the trigger that sparks us off (as

identified in Worksheet 1), but as this is not always possible it is important to have

alternative strategies in reacting to the trigger. This involves changing the way we think

about the trigger. This gives us more time (a longer fuse) to consider how we will choose

to behave.

In Worksheet 2 which follows, a list of incidents are described.

Imagine that these events have happened to you and write down in the first column what

you might be thinking that would lead you to be angry.

Then think of some alternative ways in which you might explain the incident that would

not lead you to feel angry. It may be helpful to discuss this with a friend or adult. Write

this in the second column.

The first two have been completed for you to help you get the idea.

Adrian Faupel et al. (1998) Anger Management – A Practical Guide. London: David Fulton Publishers.

available from www.fultonbook.co.uk

Worksheet 2

What do I think?

Lengthening the fuse!

Think about some incidents that have made you angry recently and see if you can change

what you think about them.

Adrian Faupel et al. (1998) Anger Management – A Practical Guide. London: David Fulton Publishers.

available from www.fultonbook.co.uk

Trigger What I think What I think

Feelings Angry feelings No angry feelings

Someone pushes you in (i) He wants to pick a fight. (i) He lost his balance.

the playground. (ii) She wants to hurt me. (ii) Someone bullied her

into it.

Your teacher doesn’t listen (i) They don’t care about (i) She is busy trying to

when you are telling them me. sort out another problem

why you are late. (ii) They don’t believe me. (ii) I have picked a bad

time.

(iii) I’m not making

myself clear.

Your best friend does not

talk to you.

Someone takes your best

ruler off your desk.

You get told off for

forgetting your homework.

Someone shouts at you.

A friend calls you a liar.

You are not picked for the

school football team.

A group of children call

you names as you walk

past them.

Keeping calm

When we are teaching young people how to manage their anger more effectively, we

know there will be times when we cannot avoid the triggers and we are still learning to

change what we think. As young people become more aware of their feelings, thoughts

and behaviours, they will become more adept at recognising the signs of anger bubbling.

At this stage it will be important for them to identify ways of reducing their levels of

arousal in order to reduce the probability of an angry outburst.

To return to the firework analogy, the first Worksheet helped us to reduce the likelihood

that the match would be lit, the second Worksheet helped us to lengthen the fuse,

allowing more time to consider alternative ways of reacting to triggers, and we will now

consider ways to encourage young people to identify their own strong feelings and help

them to choose strategies to help reduce their levels of arousal. This could be likened to

dampening the fuse and reducing the risk of the explosion.

On Worksheet 3, the pupil will be asked to identify some of their own physiological

feelings when they are beginning to feel angry, to help them become more aware of

when things are beginning to get out of control for them.

On Worksheet 4, they will then be encouraged to identify what strategies help them to

feel better/calm down at those times.

Adrian Faupel et al. (1998) Anger Management – A Practical Guide. London: David Fulton Publishers.

available from www.fultonbook.co.uk

Worksheet 3

How do I feel?

Think about how you feel when you first start to get angry. Tick any of the following

statements that apply to you.

I feel hot ................

My hands start to sweat ................

I find it difficult to stay still, I get fidgety ................

My mouth gets dry ................

My hands go into fists ................

My body feels tense ................

My heart races ................

I breathe more quickly ................

I feel panicky ................

Describe three other things that you have noticed about yourself when you are beginning

to get angry:

1.........................................................................................................................................

2..........................................................................................................................................

3..........................................................................................................................................

Adrian Faupel et al. (1998) Anger Management – A Practical Guide. London: David Fulton Publishers.

available from www.fultonbook.co.uk

Worksheet 4

Keeping calm

Dampening the fuse!

Here is a list of things that some people do in order to help them to calm down when

they recognise the feelings that go along with being angry.

Choose three that you think might work for you and add any of your own that you have

thought of or tried.

1. Walking away from the incident.

2. Counting to ten.

3. Talking yourself into feeling calm.

4. Using a catchphrase.

5. Pretending to be somewhere else.

6. Hiding behind an imaginary shield.

7. Using the turtle technique and protecting yourself inside your shell.

8. Take some exercise – running, football, shooting baskets.

9. Have a special place to go.

10. Have a special person to be with.

11. Listen to music

12. Breathe deeply and slowly

13. Relax clenched muscles.

The three that I think I will try, are:

1........................................................................................................................................

2........................................................................................................................................

3........................................................................................................................................

Other things that I do to help me stay calm are...............................................................

..........................................................................................................................................

Adrian Faupel et al. (1998) Anger Management – A Practical Guide. London: David Fulton Publishers.

available from www.fultonbook.co.uk

Appendix 4

Developing a solution

Think about the last time you became really angry. Answer the following questions

about it:

What was the trigger?.........................................................................................................

What did you think about the incident?...............................................................................

What did you do to try to keep calm?................................................................................

On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being the worst it could possibly be, and 10 being the best,

circle the number that describes how you feel you reacted.

Reacted Reacted

very badly very well

12345 678910

Assuming you have not circled 1, there must be something about how you behaved that

you felt went well – list three of those things below

1..........................................................................................................................................

2..........................................................................................................................................

3..........................................................................................................................................

How could you improve your score by one next time (e.g. from 3 to 4, or 6 to 7) by

building on the things that are already going well or by trying new things?

Three things I would do differently next time that would improve my score from .... to

..... are:

1..........................................................................................................................................

2..........................................................................................................................................

3..........................................................................................................................................

Don’t forget you do not have to be perfect first time. Just make some changes that you

think would be OK for you. If you find this difficult then talk it through with a trusted

adult.

Adrian Faupel et al. (1998) Anger Management – A Practical Guide. London: David Fulton Publishers.

available from www.fultonbook.co.uk

Obstacles

Sometimes when we are trying to make changes, things seem to get in the way and make

it difficult for us. List below the things that you think will make it difficult for you to

make changes:

............................................................................................................................................

How could you avoid these obstacles?................................................................................

............................................................................................................................................

Who could help you with this?

1..........................................................................................................................................

2..........................................................................................................................................

3..........................................................................................................................................

You have now

1. Scored your own behaviour on a scale of 1 to 10.

2. Identified what you are doing well already.

3. Decided what you would like to do to improve your score by one.

4. Thought about what might stop you from making those changes.

5. Identified how you could avoid the obstacles and who could help you with this.

You are now ready to put together your own action plan for improving your anger

management.

Adrian Faupel et al. (1998) Anger Management – A Practical Guide. London: David Fulton Publishers.

available from www.fultonbook.co.uk

Action plan

The next time I get really angry the triggers are likely to be:

1..........................................................................................................................................

2..........................................................................................................................................

3..........................................................................................................................................

I will try and avoid these triggers by

1..........................................................................................................................................

2..........................................................................................................................................

3..........................................................................................................................................

I will know that I am getting angry because I will notice the signs:

...........................................................................................................................................

I will try to keep calm by

...........................................................................................................................................

If I cannot avoid the triggers I will think differently about them. My thoughts will be:

............................................................................................................................................

I will know that my behaviour is better because instead of:

shouting kicking throwing things swearing damaging things fighting

other..............................................

(circle the one/s below that fit your behaviour or add your own)

I will walk away go to a special place find someone to talk to

take some exercise count to ten

other...............................................

I will avoid the obstacles to changing my behaviour by:

............................................................................................................................................

The people I will need to help me succeed with this plan are:

1..........................................................................................................................................

2..........................................................................................................................................

3..........................................................................................................................................

Signed............................................Name...........................................Date ......................

Adrian Faupel et al. (1998) Anger Management – A Practical Guide. London: David Fulton Publishers.

available from www.fultonbook.co.uk

Appendix 5

Effective anger

Appendices 3 and 4 have helped us to develop the understanding, skills and strategies

needed to avoid explosive outbursts of anger that lead to the difficulties associated with

problem anger.

The challenge now is how to express anger effectively, in order to provide opportunities

to learn and to change. Anger needs to be expressed in a way that respects other people’s

feelings and points of view, even when they differ from our own. The expression of

anger can then be a positive way of resolving conflict and leading to more effective

communication between people. In this way relationships can develop and improve as

misunderstandings are resolved over time.

Important issues to consider when expressing anger:

Do

• wait until you are calm

• value the other person’s point of view, even if you disagree with it

• express your feelings clearly

• offer a solution about how it could be done differently

Don’t

• blame the other person

• devalue the other person

• become confrontational

• exaggerate what has happened (i.e. get it out of proportion)

When communicating feelings to others it is useful to separate out the following

• the behaviour which has upset us

• the effect on our own behaviour

• the feelings it has created in us

• the solution you would like

Adrian Faupel et al. (1998) Anger Management – A Practical Guide. London: David Fulton Publishers.

available from www.fultonbook.co.uk

I Messages

Write out some effective ‘I Messages’ for pupils in the following scenarios:

1. Name calling.

......................................................................................................................................

2. Taking toys/equipment without asking........................................................................

......................................................................................................................................

3. Spoiling a game............................................................................................................

......................................................................................................................................

4. Being pushed in front of, in a line...............................................................................

......................................................................................................................................

5. Telling tales..................................................................................................................

......................................................................................................................................

6. Copying work...............................................................................................................

......................................................................................................................................

7. Being shouted at by a teacher......................................................................................

......................................................................................................................................

8. Not being noticed when needing help..........................................................................

......................................................................................................................................

9. Being picked on...........................................................................................................

......................................................................................................................................

10. Being told what to do without being told why............................................................

......................................................................................................................................

Don’t forget effective messages are important for all of us, teachers, pupils and parents!

Adrian Faupel et al. (1998) Anger Management – A Practical Guide. London: David Fulton Publishers.

available from www.fultonbook.co.uk

Adrian Faupel et al. (1998) Anger Management – A Practical Guide. London: David Fulton Publishers.

available from www.fultonbook.co.uk

TARGET BEHAVIOUR MON TUES WED THURS FRI SAT SUN

1

2

3

4

5

GO FOR IT! WELL DONE

Appendix 6

Behaviour Modification

..

............................................................................................

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